I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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