apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
