Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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