he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
