I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
