someone threw a dead crab at me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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