I need help removing her.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
