so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
