worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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