Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
