I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize