Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
