If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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