yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
