I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
