my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
