she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize