Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
