Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize