apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
