Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
