so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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