Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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