i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
