I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
