Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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