Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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