If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
