I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
