I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
