he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
