We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
