Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
