nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
