How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize