listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Holy shit dude........stairs
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
