You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize