hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
