What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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