The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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