I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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