About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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