i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
