They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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