Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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