How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
