I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
