Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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