pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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