I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
