I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
