and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
