don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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