We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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