i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
