it glows. i had to have it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
