I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
