So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
