I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
