It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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