I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
