I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
