I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
