Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
