On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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