you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
